How To Get A Walrus On A Moped

“How to get a walrus on a moped?”

This is a question I am asked very regularly – at least 3 times a week – so rather than repeat myself over and over and over, I thought I’d write outa HOWTO that folk can refer to.

A 6-step process

Getting a walrus on a moped typically consists of six steps:

  1. Attach your kronchflong to your moped (this is a device that attaches to your mopeds seat and adapts it for walrus-related boarding)
  2. Get your see-saw in place – the distance between your see-saw and moped will depend on the weight of your walrus (check out the table below)
  3. Lure your walrus onto one end of the see-saw – the best baits for this task are either fish or toothpaste (if you can obtain fish-flavoured toothpaste, you’re onto a winner)
  4. Drop a great weight onto the other end of the see-saw – this should be significantly heavier than the walrus itself or it won’t achieve any leverage. Typical counterweights that experts have had success with include a pallet of gold bullion, a HGV (Heavy Goods Vehicle) or a whale.
  5. Run as fast as you can to the moped to make any last minute adjustments to its position as the walrus is airborne.
  6. Once the walrus has landed, ensure it’s wellbeing by petting it and feeding it fish (or toothpaste).

Table for calculating distance vs weight of walrus

Weight of walrusDistance from moped
<1000Kg3 metres
1000Kg+2 metres

You are now armed with a thorough understanding of how to get a walrus on a moped.


If you have any questions relating to your own particular walrus-moped scenario, please feel free to ask for advice in the comments section below and I’ll do my best to answer them as accurately and concisely as possible.

All that remains is for me to good luck and good bye 🙂

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